Growing Together (Not Apart)
Navigating Life Transitions in a Relationship
Why Life Transitions Challenge Even the Best Relationships
Life transitions and changes are a part of life and can challenge even the most stable and healthy relationships. There are reasons for the sudden difficulties you may be experiencing.
The first is the fact that life transitions often come with shifts in our identity and who we are. This may be particularly true if you’ve recently taken on a new role in life or in the relationship (such as becoming a parent or caregiver), if you have found a new interest that you’ve been dedicating a lot of time to, or if you have experienced a recent loss. With these types of changes, it can mean that one or both partners are redefining themselves and their identity in some way, which can lead to feeling disconnected from each other.
Another reason may be that new and changing time demands are making it difficult to spend time together or get things done. Oftentimes this brings about communication issues, conflicts about schedules, and difficulties making time for connection that weren’t previously there.
Everyone is always changing over time, and it’s unlikely that you will forever remain the same person that you were at the beginning of your relationship. Which is why it is important to grow together and not apart, and there is a way to intentionally do this, but more on that later!
Common Relationship Conflicts That Arise During Change
One common relationship conflict that tends to arise during change is a mismatched expectation of how the change will be managed, the terms of the relationship going forward, or next steps for the couple.
Another conflict that is common during a life transition is feeling emotionally out of sync with each other. This may be for a couple different reasons. You may be feeling like you haven’t had time for intimacy and connection, which makes it difficult to feel attuned to one another. Or you may not have had time to genuinely listen to each other’s concerns and emotions, making it increasingly difficult to feel seen, heard, and understood.
How to Stay Connected During Life Changes
So, how do you stay connected to your partner when things are changing?
Prioritize emotional check-ins and encourage open communication about emotions
Make time to discuss, explore, and reaffirm shared values and goals
Create space for each other’s growth (individually and together) by taking an interest in your partner’s experiences throughout this transition
Communication Tips for Couples Facing Change
How can you communicate more effectively during times of change?
Having a sense of “We”: By approaching the next steps for navigating this change by developing a sense of “We” you are reinforcing cohesiveness, working as a team, fostering a sense of togetherness, and are enhancing your sense of identity as a unit. This means sharing the difficulties and aspirations in life changes together.
Using “I” Statements: A conflict resolution and communication skill is using “I” statements to communicate frustrations. “I” statements are ways of expressing concerns by using a formula to avoid accusatory language and focus the conversation on communicating how you have been affected, rather than focusing on blame.
When discussing recent frustrations, it’s important that you name the fear and not just the frustration. This is a valuable part of conflict resolution because it is important to create a space where both partners can be honest and vulnerable with one another.
Growing Together Through the Transition
During a transition or change, it is going to be important to be intentional about adapting or growing together and prioritizing addressing concerns and conflicts that have arisen. Examples of ways to grow together through the transition are:
Shared rituals for grounding (as little as 10 minutes a day): A shared ritual can be a new hobby or interest you take up as a couple, a planned date night, or even as quick as having your morning coffee together. The point of the shared ritual is to create a new practice which you will both stay committed to, by doing so it introduces a new sense of stability and opportunity for connection.
Supporting each other’s needs, and not assuming them: This means being curious about each other’s needs, and not assuming what they need based on what you think they might need. Taking the time to hear and understanding what your partner needs, as well as creating a space that encourages this type of dialogue is key for navigating through a life change or transition.
Knowing when to ask for help: Sometimes couples can get through life transitions on their own, but sometimes they may need extra help to learn how to effectively navigate this new challenge in their relationship–and that’s okay! Couples therapy provides a supportive and neutral space for partners to navigate life changes by improving communication, managing stress, and aligning shared values and goals. It can help couples renew emotional connection, improve conflict resolution and communication skills, and develop coping strategies for stress during a life change.
Common Questions:
Can a relationship survive a major life transition?
Absolutely, with open communication, empathy, and shared effort, most relationships can adapt and grow stronger during transitions. However, it takes being intentional about the work.
What if only one partner is going through a major life change?
It’s common for one person to feel left behind. The key is to make space for honest conversations and balancing each other’s needs.
What if I feel like I’m growing and my partner isn’t?
It’s common for growth to happen at different rates, however, the key is to communicate your needs, invite your partner into your journey, and evaluate whether the relationship can evolve with you.
How do I know if the life transition is causing our relationship problems or revealing a deeper issue or concern?
Temporary stress on the relationship will usually come with a sense of teamwork and understanding that you’re in this together. If patterns like resentment, control, contempt, or stonewalling arise, the transition might just be highlighting deeper issues that need attention.
Written by Diana Chukarska, Registered Psychotherapist (Qualifying)
Click here to learn more about Diana’s therapeutic approach.